well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
