Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
