i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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