Your tits are I can't wait for
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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