The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He shit in the fireplace
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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