her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
