Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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