Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
