My friends, they love my intelligence
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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