I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
