you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
