If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
