i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
