sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
