There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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