i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
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It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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