i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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