put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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