i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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