if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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