The maid of honor just puked.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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