he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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