hotel room ftw
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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