You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
