i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?