I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
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I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.