woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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