I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We are all done wearing pants today
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
