Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
