glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
