I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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