Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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