I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
