I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
