Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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