living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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