there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
