The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
