oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
NoShamevember. You game?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
