Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
