If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
