Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
