The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
