i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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