I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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