i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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