Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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