Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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