hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
