I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
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Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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