Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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