At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
