Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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