Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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