Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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