Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
