I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize