the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
