Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
