I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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