I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
