had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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